Fear of Letting Go: Behind the Scenes
Now that I have been bottoming in bondage more frequently lately, I have had the opportunity to experience who I am in bondage, who I am when faced with my own vulnerability. I truly believe that a bondage experience offers a peek into the deeper parts of ourselves.
Due to having taken some time away from bottoming, I felt excited to return. So it came as a pretty big surprise to me when I began feeling intense panic while in bondage. This was highly unexpected.
Don't get me wrong, I have had bouts of claustrophobia before - in very rare, specific and intense situations. However, my experience these days is generally more fixated on needing to feel in control.
I notice myself starting to freak out the moment my brain calcutes the likelihood of something undesired happening - this could be a particular scary activity, or a particularly triggering position, or especially if I suspect the person topping me does not know to some degree what they are doing. Incompetence is really panic-inducing for me for some reason.
Now, I want you to know that this totally sucks for me. Even though I am interested to play with my edges of comfort (while at the same time want to control everything), it is absolutely no fun to have a bout of panic - particularly claustrophobia.
This brings me to the two part video I recently released featuring the lovely An Li called Fear of Letting Go. Now, as the title suggests, it's a video in which I am bottoming to An Li, and I begin to experience panic. Earlier on the day of the shooting of this video, An Li and I shot a very long corporal scene with me bound in stocks. At no point during that whole scene did I have a feeling of panic - even though An Li was doing a great job at exploring my pain tolerance. However, when it came time to begin this second scene with me in a straitjacket, I immediately noticed a big difference. I was going to be much more physically helpless than when I was standing in stocks.
The moment the straitjacket went on, I began freaking out a bit. As the straps were being secured, it started to feel as if the neck was too tight - kind of strangling me. So I asked for the neck to be loosened. And it was.
Then I went to lay down on the bondage bed to prepare for my ankles to be locked in heavy wooden stocks. Right when I did that, I knew I was fucked. For some reason, I find a horizontal position to be the most vulberable and exposed. The moment my ankles were locked into the stocks, I knew a full blown claustrophobic panic was coming. I remember telling An Li that I was beginning to feel anxious. I asked for a pillow for underneath my head. I got one.
At this point in time, we begin filming. An Li begins tying the sides of my straitjacket to the edges of the bed. Shit gets real for me now. I am realizing that I will not be able to sit up if I wanted to. I will not be able to roll to one side. I would not be able to move at all, actually. I begin to feel like the straitjacket is squeezing me too much and I share with An Li and our videographer that I am freaking out a bit. An Li takes it slow and realizes that now is the time to distract me with some pussy torture.
She is correct in this. As she begins the process of squeezing my pussy lips into the Steelwerks pussy clamp, my attention is instantly drawn away from my panic. The electricity that An Li adds to the clamp is also helpful in focusing my attention. Even the very intense electro wartenberg wheel inside my pussy was preferred to the panic I was about to experience.
After pushing me to the point of tears with the pussy torture, An Li challenges me further by tightly strapping a gas mask to my face and connecting me to the ventilator. Just the gas mask alone was a lot to handle. I think it was here where I, again, needed a moment to digest what was happening. Logically, I knew that the gas mask was not limiting my breath, however it put my awareness on my breath and the fact that I was not going to be in control of it in a minute.
I most certainly freaked out in wanting to make sure An Li knew how to operate the ventilator. I had briefly gone over how it works pre-scene, but of course my panicked mind was seeing several scenerios in which she gets confused and doesn't realize I can't breathe. Now, this is mostly illogical. First, I trust An Li. She is a very aware and skilled top. I know that she will be paying attention to me, and if she happened to make a mistake she would realize it quickly and self-correct. But my panicked mind can only worry about not being in control every second of this experience.
So, I try to control. I clarify specific information about the ventilator. At one point mid-scene, I ask how many breaths per minute we were at. I ask for a break so I can cry for a second. All the while, An Li is calm, supportive and acknowledges my plight. When I feel ready to combat the fear again, I say that I am ready to continue. At this point, An Li is again using electricity on my body and I am able to put my focus on her. This proves helpful. She sets the electricity to an audio setting, so that her voice is shocking me. I remember enjoying seeing her face above mine.
Anyway, I got though it. I hope I am not making it sound more dramatic than it was. What I experienced was most definitely intense for me, as panic by definition is. However, I wanted to spell out my experience for you as a means of sharing what I learned from it.
I was able to see that I am most fearful of relinquishing control over to someone that might not always be perfect. My expectations were way too high and controlling. Trust me, this relates to my personal life for sure. I was also able to experience expressing my needs (a pillow, something loosened, a break), which, again, is very relevant to the current work I am doing in my greater life. I feel that the practice of asking for things within a bondage context really bolsters my asking outside that context. Building on the experience of asking was receiving. An Li and our videographer Kino, were absolutely great in meeting my requests with no judgment. It's moments like this that really underscore how bondage experiences have deep roots into our psyche.
Additionally, I felt deep respect and admiration for all my Bondage Therapy clients and Bondage Liberation playmates, for I am blessed to be deeply trusted by others. On a practical level, I felt what it was like to be tied tightly to the bed with a ventilator breathing for me - something I do with my clients fairly frequently. It was really scary! Since I haven't experienced anything like this in a while, I forgot that the play I do with my clients is actually really intense! I am so happy to be able to play with others in this way, and I am grateful for the opportunity to see clearly how much trust I am being given. Such an honor.
And lastly, I learned from this experience just how much I need bondage therapy. There is a reason I named my pro domme business bondage therapy - and it is not because I am a therapist, because I am not. It is because bondage is inherently therapeutic. I believe we gravitate towards BDSM (and sex in general) to help heal past hurt whether we are conscious of it or not. I am quite conscious of where I am rigid and where I am relaxed in my life - and I am so thankful bondage exists to help me smooth out the rough edges.
A big thanks to An Li for being such a wonderful playmate. Truly gifted in taking a person to the edge.